I’ve always been the a shy person. Its not that I wanted to be like this, but I always found it hard to speak up or make new friends, as a kid and even now. When i did speak up, I was always ignored or not heard. Watching a home video of a camping trip from when i was a little kid, I noticed many times I was in the background saying something or repeating myself but being ignored or unheard.
Its not like I want to be this way. Nor does it make sense. My dad is the most outgoing person I could think of, and my mom is also a social butterfly. My little sister has also never had troubles making friends and is also extremely outgoing. I’m sitting here realizing I’ve spent 3-4 years in University, and I’ve made 0 friends outside of my housemates. I’ve never been in a real long term relationship, because while I’m at least somewhat attractive, every girl eventually realizes how boring and inexpressive I am. I just spent like the whole summer simping over a girl that left because I couldn’t tell her how I really felt. Somehow she was the only person I could tell about my secrets and problems, but even then I couldn’t tell her I loved her, and that was a deal breaker for her. She thought I wasn’t serious about her or that I was using her, but it was just my inability to speak up for myself.
Even when I played competitive baseball (my dad was a jock), my shyness made it hard for me. Whenever I joined a new team or tried out for a club team, I was always the person with no one to warm up with. And while i loved the game and was at least decent, I didn’t even try out for my college team because I didn’t think i could handle it socially. Even going to the gym takes a lot of courage for me. At parties, I wont talk to anyone unless they come up to me, and when that happens, I’m just awkward and weird.
At work, people always tell me they cant understand or hear what I’m saying, even though it sounds fine to me. Its embarrassing when i have to repeat myself several times. Lately tho, I’ve been singing out loud on my commutes in the hopes that it’ll help with this.
While I have no issues interacting with people after I get to know them, even then I feel mentally tired every once in a while. Things like job interviews are easy enough for me because I can study and prepare for them, but you cant really do that in a dynamic social setting. I actually spent the summer alone in order to “focus on myself,” but it just made me realize how much I’ve messed up my own life.
I feel like my whole life has been a waste sometimes. I’ve been blessed with a lot of great gifts, but I haven’t been able to use them because there’s something wrong with me. I just feel like if I had someone else’s personality, my life would be so different. I could make my dad proud by being an athlete and make my mom happy by bringing home a nice girl. It sounds so simple in my head, but my life story says otherwise.
Sometimes, I just wish I could run away to somewhere far away and start over completely. Well I tell myself I’ll start-over someday once my life is in better shape, but I also know nothing will change. I’m basically wasting what should be the prime of my life doing nothing, because I don’t know how or where to make friends in real life.
I don’t know if i made the wrong decision at some point in my life, or if there’s something just wrong with me. I guess I always thought my life would be different, and even though I’ve had plenty of chances to go in the right direction, I always fumble them away. This is really just a rant more than anything else, but i guess it feels good to actually express whats on my mind. Even if its on some random board i found online. If anyone reads this, i hope you can relate, because it would make me feel a lot better about myself. Sorry if this is borderline unreadable, i kind of just wrote what i was thinking.