Talking to people more and more


#81

Thank you very much for your reply and your words of encouragement, @cyan

Unfortunately, my kidneys were much worse then I expected in the first place. I had a lot of pain and very high temperature for a long time. My doctor went to a 2 weeks holiday day after my diagnose. He told me to go to a hospital if I get worse. My body temperature went up to 40 C and after 5 days, I decided to go to a hospital.

Hospital in Dublin is absolute nightmare. I had to go to emergency department and there is always thousands people there waiting. As soon as i told my story, they took me to a doctor. They took urine and blood and let me wait. I waited 12 hours for the results.

At one point I complained as I felt really bad and they just give me IV in the waiting room. I met few people from my country working there. I asked them about service there but they were not to confident.

After such a long day, they told me that there is nothing terribly wrong and I have to take my meds and go home. I was happy to hear that and I just went for a bus. When I got home, my temperature was again 40 C. At that point I was sure I will just die.

I was just terribly sad because I had to go trough all that alone and there is no one to help me. Not even a doctor. I had no idea where to look for help and I was almost to weak to move. I was sure something was wrong but doctors just don’t care. I kept taking my meds as prescribed and drank a lot of water. I was running to the toilet all the time. I was thinking how can I go to a hospital tomorrow again and who can I ask to drive me. But, there was no one I could think of. Taxi was my only option and I decided if I don’t feel better tomorrow, I will take one. I will spend a fortune but I have to survive. In the end, I felt so sad and first time since I left, I really wanted to be home where I know everyone and there are many people that would help me.

Beside my home country, I was missing Germany too. There is everything so good organised and things like this couldn’t happen. I was thinking a lot about small town in Bavaria with nice people and beautiful mountains. I even dreamed about the restaurant me and colleagues from work went often. Strange, I never thought I will miss that place. I am usually not nostalgic but I am having weak time.

Few days later, my temperature slowly went down. I started to get my energy back. I told people at work I can’t come for my second week and they asked me to bring doctor’s certificate. Problem is, my doctor is still on vacation and he said he will write it for me when he comes. I hope things will be ok at work, another reason to worry about.

I didn’t really find energy and concentration to work on my therapy. I did what I could but now it is time to move on. On monday, I am going back to work and there will be chance to speak to people.

During these sick days, I am very lonely. Even though people did call me and we talked for hours. Today was the first day I went out for a walk and I just didn’t know what to do. I went for a coffee and for a walk. After that shopping and lunch. And then again a walk and a coffee at the same place. I had a feeling that girls working there think of me as a looser who has nowhere to go. It felt very bad.

One one my housemates came home and called me to go out for a beer. We went and I had alcohol-free Guiness, or something. It was kinda ok evening. Good to be outside. We got 2 new housemates, a couple. I choose to look at it as an opportunity to increase my social circle. We will see…


#82

Hi Miron, That sounds super difficult. I’m sorry to hear you’ve gone through so much. I know a little about health problems and social anxiety because I was hit by a taxi while riding a bicycle two weeks ago and that was a fiasco with the emergency room and coping in general. Luckily, I just broke my elbow and nothing more major happened. I’m really sorry to hear about your situation. I’m super tired and not doing great myself so I’m not gonna write much for now. However, I’ve read some of your posts through my time on this forum and the most important thing I want to say is you seem like a sweet smart cool dude. Take it easy on yourself please. I’ve sometimes felt like you tear yourself up over some random girl(s) or some unimportant person’s opinion. I know how it feels because I do the same but it’s much easier to see when someone else is doing it. I think it’s awesome you’re doing the therapy. Stick with it and do it as suggested and don’t stop for a long time. I say that because I stopped before I should have and went through a lot of suffering as a result. I think the therapy will teach you how to take it easier on yourself and feel better about yourself. Remember you’re good and try hard and can’t be perfect and so what. I’m gonna rest now. Good luck to you and me and all of us.


#83

Hey, @cyan

Thanks so much for your reply and words of support.

I am kinda strugling in all possible ways because I totally changed my environment. This is my 3rd country in 3 years.

I guess I am paying the price for being to confident. It is not to smart thing to do. I decided to go for it, no mather what. When my friends or family warn me about possible problems, I just answered that I am going no mather what. So now, I shouldn’t be complaining when problems arrise.

In reality, I didn’t have much choice. I had to leave my country. If I stayed, stress would probably kill me soon. I could have stayed in Germany before coming here but that would be only surival comparing to my job here. So, I just had to do it.

With moving country there comes a lot of stress. I don’t know how to handle some things and it just takes time. Then, new climate and my imune system does not agree with it. Probably why I am sick all the time. It makes life so much harder.

And, let’s not forget social anxiety. I have to comunicate with thousands new people about many important staff. I don’t know anything about them and cultural differences are huge. Most of the time, I just can’t avoid anxious situations.

Sorry to hear you are sick too. I hope you get well soon. I like cycling and I did a lot of distance in the past. I even had an accident with a car, luckily not hard one. I will get my self a mountainbike as soon as I am on my feet again.

About the people’s opinion, I am not generaly worried about specific people or girls. Just, ANTs thoights tell me that if I blew with this person up, it shows I made no progress and I will probably do bad in the future.

Thanks again for your reply and get well soon. Let me know how are you doing.

Cheers!


#84

A Monday can be hard at work sometimes. Meeting all these people after 2 days causes some anxiety. Today, all in all wasn’t so bad. I met one girl from work on the bus and we chatted, so the day started right. I came to the office and said hi to a few people so I was happy with my performance. I made some progress, I must say.

There was one of my bosses who is acting very friendly to me but that causes me a lot of anxiety. He comes to my desk every day to shake my hand and chat a few minutes. Very nice, but today I walked past his desk and I couldn’t say anything. His authority made me very anxious. I did meet him in the caffe bar later and said hi.

I noticed the cute girl I already wrote about here, sitting maybe 10 meters away from me. She sort of has a boyfriend and it was a good excuse for me not to go and say hi. And that fact got me more anxious. It was kinda weird walking past her desk and pretending I didn’t notice her.

Then she sent me some text on the business chatt. She actually remembered where I am from (basically nowhere) and sent some local humor she found online. It was such fun chatt. But I was still ignoring her in real life.

I felt like an asshole. I wanted to go there, hug her and aplogize for being one. I felt so bad. I am not sure if I even like her so much. But she sure deserved better treatmant. And it is not the first time I act like that, I ignore people all the time. It is very hard to start the conversation. And she still tries to chatt me up. I hope this helps me get better and get more confidence.

Sometimes, life seams like a neverending slow suffering. But I must work on getting better


#85

Today again everything went down hill.

I have a strong feeling my SA is hurting my job. I already wrote about the woman that is testing the quality of my work. In the beggining, everything was perfect. About 2 months ago, I had anxiety attack and when I met her in the hallway, I just walked past like I don’t know her. Terrible, I know, but I couldn’t do differently.

Later she made me even more anxious and now 2 months later, I act like I don’t know her. I noticed in our system that my quality is getting lower every day. With time, it became a problem. I decided to work a lot harder with more focus. It is all I know. But, results are worse every week. My boss wanted a meeting and he told me that is normal and gave me ideas how to improve. But, it doesn’t work. I have a strong feeling she is doing that on purpose. And who could blame her. Today I came to work and read last week results and they were the worst so far. It knocked me out completely.

I hope these are all ANTs but it looks so realistic. It happened to me before that I was sure at something and later it proves me wrong. I hope this will work out good. I hate the fact that SA is sabotaging my work after all I invested in it.

Today on the bus stop I met that girl again. I am sure she is coming to this bus stop to see me. How crazy is that. I even asked her and she said she walks 20 min untill there and there are few closer stop. This made me so anxious. But we had a good chatt on the way.

I felt a bit awkward when I saw the guy thet thinks he is her boyfriend. I met him in front the building. It looked like he wants to talk to me but I just mumbeld hi and proceeded very fast for a walk with my headphones on. I had a bad day and I didn’t need any of this bullshit. I am kinda part of this triangle and I didn’t do anything. Not that I didn’t want to but I was to anxious.

I felt very bad most of the day at work. It looked like it is never gonna end. Every try for communication ended with me mumbling something unclear without any energy. At the end of the day, I practically runn away from work. Thank god it is over.


#86

Hi Miron, if that girl and her boyfriend are really doing those things, then it’s normal to feel anxious/weirded out and not want to get involved with their drama. If you’re wrong about it, then you’ll figure that out as time passes by if you’re doing the therapy on a daily basis. As for work, if someone’s giving you a hard time because you didn’t say hi, they’re very immature and mental. It’s one thing to get a little hurt or offended and another to give someone a hard time. Maybe I misunderstood some stuff but I was in the middle of my own therapy and wanted to respond. Keep doing the therapy everyday. It’s the only way out of the social anxiety maze that I’ve seen.


#87

Hello, I can now talk to a girl who likes me for a long time. I do not know more than 3 years have passed, but I still like it. In the morning when I go out to college, near the stop they stand and my two friends. I like to communicate with her and it’s pretty good with me. Do not know so much time has passed. Many people say that I’m attractive. And it seems to me that I like her too. And now I’m even more worried about the question of whether he has a boyfriend. Heh, this is the only place where I can talk about it. Good luck.


#88

Hi guys

I just wated to say I am doing my therapy properly and I feel so much better.

First time I didn’t invest enough time in slow talk, ANT’s handout and catching the ANT’s. I knew most about this part but I didn’t repeat it long enough to actually start feeling it.

Lately, I still have a lot of problems, mostly at work. But still, I feel things are getting under control. I am more optimistic and I am starting to feel I will be able to do things I never could. Now, I’m like- Why not?

I am not happy with my use of slow talk. I often forget it. At home I make a plan to use it at work but all plans are followed until the first shot is fired. :slight_smile: I hope to get it working better for me soon. I don’t get upset for it or beat my self up.

I hope it works out ok. There is no point writing about bad things that hapoened and setbacks. I am doing session 7 and it would look like trowing my pitty party and complaining.

I wander now, where will I be in a month from now… Time will tell.