So, that part with my boss didn’t really work. It is harder then I thought. I am waiting for my doctor to confirm if I am fit to work nights. Untill then, I do only days. Not knowing the outcome got me very anxious. Everything about my new city and my job does.
Offten, I feel that learning a lot and working hard mean nothing when I am socialy anxious.
My new job is a good one. I enjoy doing it and in a short time, I am making great results. But, it looks like that doesn’t mean much. I see people who get promotions simply because they are pleasant to work with. At least at seams so for now.
Not having enough experience here makes me a lot more anxious. I decided to keep going no mather what. I hope I am not making a mistake. I am a bit worried about my health.
There is a nice girl I have met during our training for this job. I’ve noticed she is cute but she never worked on her looks to much so she never attracted to much attention.
We had a lunch together on our break. I thought we were both being friendly. For some stupid reason and possibly because her a bit conservative looks, I got impression she is married. I never asked off course, I was so anxious.
Yesterday, I came to work and I was trying to say hi to a few people I know in the office. It was all very clumsy and I was terribly anxious.
And suddenly, she showed up, looking like a million dollars! I sware, I was breathless. She asked where am I going and I answered I am going to a kitchen we have on the floor to get my self a coffee. She said, she needs something to drink and to go together.
I didn’t really understand what the hell was happening there. My brain was just blocked, working very slow. At one point I wanted to give her a compliment, like: You did something with your hair, looks great!
But of course, I couldn’t do it. I remember talking but not sure about what. I had a hard time swalowing and I complained that I have a sore trought.
Coffee machine didn’t work and I couldn’t make one. She noticed container is full of old coffee. She showed me how to empty it so I can make coffee again. I felt like a less of a man. I should have fixed the bloody machine my self
After 5 min. of talking she said she has to go do something important and she’ll see me later. I stayed alone and I was so anxious that I tried to close my coffee cup and I spilled the whole god damn thing all over the table.
It was so embarasing and I was terribly worried about maybe 10 unknown people in the kitchen. Lucklilly, no one noticed. Amazing, they just kept on talking while I was cleaning the desk with paper towels.
I made another coffee and got back to work. She was sitting at the desk behind me, maybe 7 meters away. I thought later, it would be smart to go there and say something. Or pretend I need some info. But it all looked lame to me so we didn’t speak that day any more. Or today. She just smiled and say good bye at the and of the day.
I have so much andrenaline that I feel like my life is an action movie. And for other people, it is just every day stuff…