Thanks a lot for your replies.
I am trying to write my diary for everything related to SA. I try very hard to overcome it and most people wouldn’t understand what I go trough every day. People here do understand.
I finished the therapy years ago and it really helped me a lot. I can’t believe how far I’ve come. I am kinda lost with behavioral part. I never had a group so I improvise a lot. It is not easy. Most of the time I have no idea what the hell am I doing and I just wander around randomly.
I really appreciate every reply and every advice from you guys. If you have any idea that can possibly help me or if you think I am doing something wrong, please let me know.
So, last weekend I decided to be social and go out to the pubs around Dublin. My friend had a birthday so we went out with few of his colleagues from work. It was fun, I did ok at socialising, partly because there were no girls. Only men, drinking buddies.
I was worried a bit about the impression I left on the guys but later I realised I don’t care to much about those people.
Next day, sunday, everybody was free. All my housemates were at home. There are 5 of them but I rarely see them all. We work different times.
One couple decided to make a barbecue in the garden. They all gathered with their girlfriends and boyfriends. Too many people, if you ask me. And very nice people, if you ask me but my SA was at the top.
So, when they invited to join them, I made an excuse I have to go to town to meet someone. And I didn’t have any real plans. They later knucked on my room door to call again but I was already getting ready to go out. And I had no idea where to go.
I went to McDonalds first as I was very hungry. I was thinking about nice food guys at home are grilling and I couldn’t join them. But bigger problem was, where to go next. So I went to the pub.
Soon it was time for world football championship game with my nation playing. I went trough the street for about an hour looking for a pub where I could feel comfortable to go in alone. And I picked one with many TVs showing footbal. I sat alone at the bar and ordered a pint of Guiness. I was a bit hangover from yesterday but the beer still felt good.
Few people were working in the bar and I was close to the door out of it. I was kinda in the way but I had to sit there because I couldn’t just take the table alone. And it was to late to move now.
I made an eye contact with very cute girl working there. I thought it doesn’t mean anything. Few moments later, she passed beside me few times making strong eye contact with a smile. I felt I have to say something. But I just couldn’t. I wasn‘t even thinking what to say. Everything was so lame at the start. I felt so useless. I kept drinking hoping it will drown my anxiety. It didn‘t.
Shit, if this didn’t happen with the girl, I could just enjoy random drinking night. And nothing did happen. I just saw there is a chance, maybe.
Next day I went to work and a big setback just hit me. I work in a big office with over 100 people. I have no clue who should I say hi to, with who I chatted, who will I ignore… Most of the time I ignore everyone, sit at my computer and work. Later, I feel that freaks them out.
I set at first pc available but next to me were my team members. I felt I have to say hi. But I couldn’t get up on my feet and go there. I imagined all worse scenarios that could happen. At one point I just got up and said hi, how are you… It was a bit awkvard but one girl started talking to me and we chatted a bit.
I had to change my desk few times and every time it was a bit awkward. I just walked past people I cooperate with without saying anything. I knew I will need them later snd I will have to talk to them. I felt so guilty…
One girl is actually there to check quality of our work. I always got great results from her. This week, after I went by her ignoring her, my results are terrible. Maybe I imagine it but it looks so real. I hope I am wrong.
One of my bosses asked me to sit next to his desk to help our new collague to work a bit. Desk was near the entrance so people always walked by. And all bosses were sitting there. Perfect for anxiety from all those authorities and all others passing by. I said nothing the whole time. I concentrated helping the new guy, at least something usefull.
Most of this week was like that. I saw everything trough anxiety-collored glasses. Everything seamed pointless. Luckily, things changed.
I just decided to show up. At work, at lunch on the work break, on the coffee in a bar, everywhere. I knew it will not be spectacular but I decided just to surive every day. The best I can… It made things a lot easier.
As the time goes by, I somehow feel that life gets better. I am becoming better in comunicating, even though in baby steps. I thought I have really screwed up with some people. But lately some of them are acting very friendly.
I really need to feel comfortable in this work. It is my dream job and I do it very well so far. I believe I can make progress but how do I become leader of the small team when I am afraid to say hi to my team. But maybe I am pushing this too fast.
Tomorrow I am free. I have no idea what to do. Sleep and rest, I guess…