Talking to people more and more


#56

I wasn’t here for a long time. Reason is, things got really bad at work and I was even scared to write on forum about it.

In my company, we work with large sums of money and that can be risky. Every time we finish our shift, we trow envelope money in big safe trough opening we can’t get it out. Only director has a key. But the truth is, someone could actually get the envelope out without the key, maybe with the help of some tools. Every time we put it in, there is also a staff member as a witness.

So, I was a witness when my colleague trow an envelope in the safe and we both signed and confirmed it. A week later I got a call from my boss with the news that 1 envelope is missing.

We had meetings with board of directors. There were a lot if interogations, threats and acusations. In the end, they decided that 2 of us have to pay the whole amount.

Of course, we said we will not do it aa we didn’t do anything wrong. That is really a big money, specially for me who moved in new country few months ago and managed to save a little.

Since then, things are not so good at work. Ny superiors don’t trust me and my whole and good work means nothing.

I decided to look for new work after things cool down here. I am not sure can this go on my work documents and cause me problems later.

A month later the called police and I was interogated as a vitness. Very scary…

Last week I started applying for jobs in the big town where my brother lives. I thought I could move there. It is very hard to get accommodation in big city.

Soon I got a few calls to an interview and I organised 2 on 1 day that I had free.

I travelled 4 hours on a train and went to a first interview. The company was total dissapointment and I decided I am not doing it. If I jabe to work in a bad company, I already have that.

I came to my next interview and I was punctual as always. But when I got in and asked for a person to talk to, they didn’t know him. Very sadly, I was in a totaly wrong company. They had the same name and I followed Google Maps. I was in the totally wrong part of the big city.

I called my interviewer and he sounded very dissapointed but gave me instructions how to get there. Another half hour on a train I was there.

I knew I don’t stand a chance but I decided to go on interview and learn what I can.

And guess what, it was really great company. The man didn’t want to give me conditions we talked brifely on the phone. He offered a lot less money and more later when I prove my self. I understoid that I left very bad first impression.

All in all I could work there but I screwed up badly. It wss on of my worst nightmares. But it happened.

They offered my a job anyway. I rejected as I can’t afgord to live in a big city with so little money and simply because bad impression I had left.

I decided not to look for work for a while as I still have 15 days vacation in this company. If I go somewhere else, I will lose it. I go home in January and after that I will be looking for work.

I do believe I can make it. Good news is, they didn’t fire me after all. Maybe things are not lost. And even if they do, I will go home, look for another work online and come back.

I am not sure if anyone is reading this. But if you do, let me know what do you think about my situation.

Thank you


#57

What I forget to say last time, is my progress against SA.

I believe I am still makng some. I comunicate with good looking girls and people of authority every day. It is getting easier and most importantly, I don’t care so much what they think.

I had a lot of problems at work with my supervisors, connected to the story in the post above. I realised, the worse they can do is fire me. And I will get another job sooner or later. They do hate me but they are a bunch of stupit assholes who got their power with familly connections. So I don’t really care about them.

We got a new member of management in the company, very attractive girl. Now in the beggining, it looks like she don’t like me from the start. But that is mostly cause we are all insecure around here and we are afraid to show it.

So, you can imagine how I feel, she is both, attractive and authority figure. But, again, I decided I will just show up and I don’t care. What ever happens, I know I am always doing my best.

Truth to be told, I din’t see so much improvenment in my communication. But not caring helps a lot. And I feel so much better about it.


#58

I went out last night so I don’t feel to good today. Little bit hangover, I didn‘t drink for a long time.

I felt very stressed and one of my colleagues invited me for a drink. Of course, we didn’t stop after one.

I went first time in a club and it was something new for me. There was part for older people (30-50) and they were mostly dancing to latino music. Very nice but I am not into dancing, unfortunately.

The secnod part was for mostly people in their 20s in wich I don’t belong buty colleague is. Everyone was talking, drinking and smoking nargilas.

We took the table and order drinks. I started waching how people around mingle. People in Germany are much more open, surprsing for me.

I had short comunication with a group who joined at our big table. It was ok, but no bug progress. At one ponit, young man who looked like the biggest head in the group (demanded a lot if attention), came to me and asked who we are and why are we at their table.

I am not sure when he came but table was empty and the whole group asked to sit with us as there were no free tables.

I told him so and refused to give in. I am 10 years older, a lot bigger and havier then him. I didn’t need a conflict in a foreign country, but I was drunk and decided to stand my ground. Goid thing is, he quickly gave up and left to the bar.

I am now happy that all ended well. Not sure did I do well, but I hope it will help my SA too.


#59

I dob’t feel to good today. Last night I had to much stress at work. Today, I woke up late and soon I have to work again.

I am not sure how to deal with this. I tried not to care and forget all problems after work but it is so hard. It does get better every time.

I am drinking coffe alone in my favorite bar and just thinking how I can’t connect with all people around me even though I want to.

I also does get better but sooo slow and I feel like I am running out if time.


#60

Hi Miron

Yes Its hard I know. But these feelings you have are anfs. Make sure your catching and stopping them asap. Start turning the tables on them. Yea I realize some feel true based on our experiences with the behavioural therapy. This belief that you can’t connect with others is nothing but a self fufilling prophecy. If you believe it and it comes true. I am guilty of this too so don’t be hard on yourself.

Only when we start ignoring the ants and get rational with ourselves can we improve. Setbacks are inevitable and its how you respond to them is what matters. We cant beat ourselves up under no circumstances.

My question is are you reinforcing the older sessions material? Its easy to stop using some of the strategies if we dont go over them again.

Also stop caring so much what people think of you and stay in the present. The only way you get better at connecting with others is by being vulnerable and initiating conversations. Start with the easiest person. Focus on them and what they are saying. Then you can respond to what they are talking about or something related. Keep doing it till you get more experience and your social skills will improve. If you try with people that cause you high amounts of anxiety it wont work and hurt your progress.

Have the attitude that your getting more rational every day and that you will overcome this. Don’t give up.


#61

@tutino, thank you so much for your post. It helps a lot to get a confirmation in our fight against the ants.
I am aware of realistic truth but offten I feel different and it us difficult.
Also, being passive and accepting, sometimes looks like I am not trying hard enough.
It does get easier with time. I learned not to care what people think and I am doing it the best so far.
We will see how it goes further…


#62

I didn’t write here for really long time. A lot of things have happened and I am not sure what I missed to write.

I am in totally new country, this time in Republic of Ireland. I had many problems in Germany but the life there was really great. I believe people have to have some problems in general. Although, mine problems at work really hard. Yes, being socially anxious didn’t help either.

But, here I am again, first week in new environment. I live with my friend and 2 people I don’t know in one house. Sometimes I am worried what will they think but I can deal with it.

My first day at new company starts tomorrow. I can’t believe I actually got this job. This was my dream company for a long time. The best I can ever get. If I manage to stay here, I will hopefully make some progress. It can only get better from here.

I am worried if I do some big screw up I might loose this job and then go back to eastern Europe that would be the end of my life. :frowning: But I will not let that happen.

I find girls pretty open and ready to talk to. Irish people normally are and there are many immigrants also. I hope I find my self a girlfriend soon.

Wish me luck folks, I’ll defenitelly need one.


#63

Accept yourself. Be yourself. That is your biggest strength. In fact there is nothing else one can be but oneself.

I know the simplicity of this idea doesn’t always help - especially when we’re really struggling with social anxiety. But, it helps me now. It helps me every day to see challenges in a rational, positive way.

Have fun in your new home!

-Mateo


#64

I had a bad day today. The whole week wasn’t good. All this new people, places, new job and everything else new makes me so tired.

It is not the first time I do this so I should know better.

This is my favorite company in the world and that us what keeps me going. I don’t fit in. It is like high school all over again. Some people even try to be friends with me but it just doesn’t work.

There is also one beautifull girl that tries really hard. She is such a nice person. But I don’t know how to react to that and I reject her. Not on purpose if course…

I try really hard, really…

At work we did training and on the first test I failed. I was so shure I will do a goid job but I screwed up. Tomorrow I do another test. Good thing is, I am not afraid. We will see…

This is such a great place. I want to live here forever. I just hope I fit in at least a little…


#65

I feel a lot better today. I have 2 days free for weekend and I got a good rest.

I went to Dublin and wandered whole day trough the city. It was great, so many people from different parts of world, live music on every corner and great pubs.

I could’t actually talk to people as I didn’t have good oportunety but all this seams much less thretening.

I finished all work and shopping I had in the town and that is enough for the day.

It really makes a big difference for SA when you live healthy. I am hitting the bed early tonight.


#66

This new beginning is still very hard. I am so tired that I can’t fuction at all.

I do very important training at work and I really give my best, but results are poor. I am kinda worried that my bosses might fire me. But that is unreasonable as I have never heard that has happened. And my bosses are so kind that I can’t believe it. Offten, I feel like I owe them somethimg for not treating me bad. But, I am also very kind.

I see a lot of pretty girls around at work. I didn’t speak to them but I will after I get used to my new life here.

It is so hard to meet new people, specialy those I am attracted to. But things are getting better with time and everything I improve will stay with me. I will not loose it.

Every time I want to give up thinking that I can’t get so far, I check how far I got from where I have started. And that was dark and lonely place, to put it mildly.

I am so tired right now but I can’t sleep. And I have to cause in 8 hours I have to go to work again. I can’t wait to endure this and to prove my worth at work. It will be much better. I hope…


#67

So, things are getting better… And worse in some parts.

I finished my training and after many complicated and unlucky situations, I got my validations and I do my dream job full time.

All this getting used to things was very hard and many times I was really anxious and scared. There are thousands new people I meet every day. Luckily they are all very nice but you know how it goes with SAD.

Bad news is, things have changed at work and soon I will be working in 3 shifts. I tried night work before and I have very bad experience. It just messes up my bio rythm and makes my life living hell.

At first, I wanted to quit and find something else to do. But things here are very good and I will try it for 1 cyclus. If it is very bad, I will speak with my superiors. If that doesn’t work, I will find something good to do. I am very qualified now and my anxiety is not slowing me down in my business plans any more.

The other good thing is, now I live in Dublin. I just love this place and people. I would love to meet socially anxious people from the area to hang out and share experiences.

Me and a friend from back home went out last weekend. Normal for Dublin, we started drinking like crazy and the night was great. Every time I drink I want to meet a girl but usually I am to anxious to approach any of them.

Here, it is a different story. After a few drinks, we went for a rock concert in a club. And random girl came and smiled and tried to start a conversation. It was so easy, I couldn’t believe it. I became still very anxious and I moved away. But it made my day.

My friend wanted to go further to meet some peoole that he knows and that have some drugs. We met them sitting in the garden of the great pub and we joined the table.

People were great fun. I shared a joint with them and we had few more beers. I was tempted to take some pills they were taking but I was worried it could me anxious or depressed later.

Few people went in dancing and few of us left. Moment later, a girl came out and asked me why I don’t go in to dance. I never dance because it makes me extremely anxious. I declined and said I am not interested. She was there few more moments and went in again.

It was over 4.00 am and I was thinking about taking the bus home while I can still find it. At one point 3 very attractive girls came out and asked to join our table…

It was just to much for me. I was very drunk but all these experiences stressed me out a lot. I just couldn’t take it. I said I have to go for a bus and they can sit with my friends.

After 1 hour, I got home and my friend called me. He was totaly drogged but he told me that they met a group of brazilian girls and they are going to their house for a party. The girls aparently are training to be strippers and have dancing pole in a living room. I am not sure if he halucunated or just lied. I will ask him about this party next weekend I see him. But it definitely is some story.

I was a bit sorry later but honestly, I saw enough that night. This place totaly surprised me with how people are open. And I didn’t even olan to meet anyone new.

I don’t know how all these new people feel about me but now I don’t even care. I can meet planty of people as everybody is open and friendly. I wish I was…

Now I think how I went out just to meet my friend and drink and we experienced so much. I didn’t even plan to meet anyone new.

Next time I will plan so I will be little more ready. We’ll see how it goes. Maybe I finally meet my irish girlfriend.


#68

So, I finally feel better! I thought it will never happen. Since I came to Ireland and all the new things, I have been under so much stress. It’s been a little over 2 months…

I suddenly felt better today. It was also stressfull morning. I woke up worried about my job. They want to make me do nightshift and that will make my anxiety worse. Also, I have diabetes and it wouldn’t help for sure.

Stupid, I know, but I was afraid to say it to my bosses. We did medical tests and they will find out anyway…

Maybe they will fire me for not working the night shift. I hope not. This is my dream job and I wouldn’t let that go down easilly.

I decided to ask my director to work only days. I will tell him everything and see what happens. It could be ugly but all SA people feel like that about any conflict.

I can easily find new job here. I saved some money so I have time to find new, maybe even better work.

I came to work today but no one from supervisors were there. I was so ready. But I will try next week. I hope I feel this confident tomorrow and after that.

So, if anyone is reading this, wish me luck.


#69

So, that part with my boss didn’t really work. It is harder then I thought. I am waiting for my doctor to confirm if I am fit to work nights. Untill then, I do only days. Not knowing the outcome got me very anxious. Everything about my new city and my job does.

Offten, I feel that learning a lot and working hard mean nothing when I am socialy anxious.

My new job is a good one. I enjoy doing it and in a short time, I am making great results. But, it looks like that doesn’t mean much. I see people who get promotions simply because they are pleasant to work with. At least at seams so for now.

Not having enough experience here makes me a lot more anxious. I decided to keep going no mather what. I hope I am not making a mistake. I am a bit worried about my health.

There is a nice girl I have met during our training for this job. I’ve noticed she is cute but she never worked on her looks to much so she never attracted to much attention.

We had a lunch together on our break. I thought we were both being friendly. For some stupid reason and possibly because her a bit conservative looks, I got impression she is married. I never asked off course, I was so anxious.

Yesterday, I came to work and I was trying to say hi to a few people I know in the office. It was all very clumsy and I was terribly anxious.

And suddenly, she showed up, looking like a million dollars! I sware, I was breathless. She asked where am I going and I answered I am going to a kitchen we have on the floor to get my self a coffee. She said, she needs something to drink and to go together.

I didn’t really understand what the hell was happening there. My brain was just blocked, working very slow. At one point I wanted to give her a compliment, like: You did something with your hair, looks great!:slight_smile:

But of course, I couldn’t do it. I remember talking but not sure about what. I had a hard time swalowing and I complained that I have a sore trought.

Coffee machine didn’t work and I couldn’t make one. She noticed container is full of old coffee. She showed me how to empty it so I can make coffee again. I felt like a less of a man. I should have fixed the bloody machine my self :slight_smile:

After 5 min. of talking she said she has to go do something important and she’ll see me later. I stayed alone and I was so anxious that I tried to close my coffee cup and I spilled the whole god damn thing all over the table.

It was so embarasing and I was terribly worried about maybe 10 unknown people in the kitchen. Lucklilly, no one noticed. Amazing, they just kept on talking while I was cleaning the desk with paper towels.

I made another coffee and got back to work. She was sitting at the desk behind me, maybe 7 meters away. I thought later, it would be smart to go there and say something. Or pretend I need some info. But it all looked lame to me so we didn’t speak that day any more. Or today. She just smiled and say good bye at the and of the day.

I have so much andrenaline that I feel like my life is an action movie. And for other people, it is just every day stuff…


#70

Hey Miron. your posts are interesting and fun to read. I just spent an hour reading this thread when I should be looking for a job lol.


#71

Hey Mistertexas

Thank you for your reply.

I feel better knowing that few people actually read this topic.

And please, go look for work. Don’t let my nonsense slow you down. :slight_smile:


#72

Hello Miron,

A few people DO read your topic. After all, you have close to 5,000 views now. :tada:

It’s nice to see you encourage others, and I interpret your post with a bit of humor here when you say “nonsense”. At the very least, it signals not taking yourself and the situation too seriously. That’s a good thing. Humor and not taking things too seriously are good skills on the path to overcoming social anxiety.

At first I read your thread with a question in my mind: “Is this person doing/applying the therapy?” Certainly you were not avoiding life’s challenges, not avoiding work. But I couldn’t tell if you were applying therapy based on your expression of ANTs. Since then I’ve seen that you have posted many times on the therapy, on different sessions. So I read your posts from the perspective of someone sharing, sharing honestly, and with a touch of humor that life, I think, needs and deserves.

Humor probably isn’t something that comes to us as much as it should naturally when we are stuck in social anxiety. It’s hard to see things with any funny perspective. It’s also hard for some to imagine that just lightening up and laughing will help with overcoming social anxiety. And true, those things alone won’t do it, but they’re all part of the process, and the therapy, and the journey. They’re all natural abilities we have that will help us as we are more able to tap into them. Some of us may come by them more through practice, and some more naturally, as a part of their personality. So, I appreciate your post, your encouragement, and, what I consider to be, your honest and light-hearted way of looking at things. It appears 5,000 other readers also appreciate that.

Have a great day!


#73

Miron,

I’ve just read through your story. Great work, if really helps for us to know that we aren’t the only ones with the same struggle.

As an aside, I have noticed that your English has made steady improvements, it’s really good and you write the same way a native speaker would now. Čestitke! (correct me please if i have that wrong)

Enjoy the unusually warm weather we are having.

Best regards

Duncan


#74

Hi guys!

Thanks a lot for your replies.

I am trying to write my diary for everything related to SA. I try very hard to overcome it and most people wouldn’t understand what I go trough every day. People here do understand.

I finished the therapy years ago and it really helped me a lot. I can’t believe how far I’ve come. I am kinda lost with behavioral part. I never had a group so I improvise a lot. It is not easy. Most of the time I have no idea what the hell am I doing and I just wander around randomly. :slight_smile:

I really appreciate every reply and every advice from you guys. If you have any idea that can possibly help me or if you think I am doing something wrong, please let me know.

So, last weekend I decided to be social and go out to the pubs around Dublin. My friend had a birthday so we went out with few of his colleagues from work. It was fun, I did ok at socialising, partly because there were no girls. Only men, drinking buddies.

I was worried a bit about the impression I left on the guys but later I realised I don’t care to much about those people.

Next day, sunday, everybody was free. All my housemates were at home. There are 5 of them but I rarely see them all. We work different times.

One couple decided to make a barbecue in the garden. They all gathered with their girlfriends and boyfriends. Too many people, if you ask me. And very nice people, if you ask me but my SA was at the top.

So, when they invited to join them, I made an excuse I have to go to town to meet someone. And I didn’t have any real plans. They later knucked on my room door to call again but I was already getting ready to go out. And I had no idea where to go.

I went to McDonalds first as I was very hungry. I was thinking about nice food guys at home are grilling and I couldn’t join them. But bigger problem was, where to go next. So I went to the pub.

Soon it was time for world football championship game with my nation playing. I went trough the street for about an hour looking for a pub where I could feel comfortable to go in alone. And I picked one with many TVs showing footbal. I sat alone at the bar and ordered a pint of Guiness. I was a bit hangover from yesterday but the beer still felt good.

Few people were working in the bar and I was close to the door out of it. I was kinda in the way but I had to sit there because I couldn’t just take the table alone. And it was to late to move now.

I made an eye contact with very cute girl working there. I thought it doesn’t mean anything. Few moments later, she passed beside me few times making strong eye contact with a smile. I felt I have to say something. But I just couldn’t. I wasn‘t even thinking what to say. Everything was so lame at the start. I felt so useless. I kept drinking hoping it will drown my anxiety. It didn‘t.

Shit, if this didn’t happen with the girl, I could just enjoy random drinking night. And nothing did happen. I just saw there is a chance, maybe.

Next day I went to work and a big setback just hit me. I work in a big office with over 100 people. I have no clue who should I say hi to, with who I chatted, who will I ignore… Most of the time I ignore everyone, sit at my computer and work. Later, I feel that freaks them out.

I set at first pc available but next to me were my team members. I felt I have to say hi. But I couldn’t get up on my feet and go there. I imagined all worse scenarios that could happen. At one point I just got up and said hi, how are you… It was a bit awkvard but one girl started talking to me and we chatted a bit.

I had to change my desk few times and every time it was a bit awkward. I just walked past people I cooperate with without saying anything. I knew I will need them later snd I will have to talk to them. I felt so guilty…

One girl is actually there to check quality of our work. I always got great results from her. This week, after I went by her ignoring her, my results are terrible. Maybe I imagine it but it looks so real. I hope I am wrong.

One of my bosses asked me to sit next to his desk to help our new collague to work a bit. Desk was near the entrance so people always walked by. And all bosses were sitting there. Perfect for anxiety from all those authorities and all others passing by. I said nothing the whole time. I concentrated helping the new guy, at least something usefull.

Most of this week was like that. I saw everything trough anxiety-collored glasses. Everything seamed pointless. Luckily, things changed.

I just decided to show up. At work, at lunch on the work break, on the coffee in a bar, everywhere. I knew it will not be spectacular but I decided just to surive every day. The best I can… It made things a lot easier.

As the time goes by, I somehow feel that life gets better. I am becoming better in comunicating, even though in baby steps. I thought I have really screwed up with some people. But lately some of them are acting very friendly.

I really need to feel comfortable in this work. It is my dream job and I do it very well so far. I believe I can make progress but how do I become leader of the small team when I am afraid to say hi to my team. But maybe I am pushing this too fast.

Tomorrow I am free. I have no idea what to do. Sleep and rest, I guess…


#75

Lately, I am not so good.

It all started last week. I was very tired. I am just not getting used to my new work place and new invironment. It is more hard then I can believe.

All the new people, this is so crazy and exhausting. I get a little comfortable with a small group and then new people join us. Then I feel like I’m going all over again. And the old group starts avoiding me. I feel terrible after. Again, the feeling that nobady likes me and everybody avoids me is so realistic. Shit…

One girl, very cute, started flirting with me some time ago. I was sure she has a boyfriend, also a guy from work that I know. It is all very confusing since over hundreed people work on the office. But then, I thought, maybe not. Maybe it is just me thinking negatively and this guy is only her friend. I decided to play along and flirt the best I can. Only to get experience and to get to know better as many people I can.

I was very clumsy and that didn’t work very well. But, few times she came back to my desk trying to get me to chat and saying a joke. Almost like she could understand that I want her there even though I am acting like an asshole cutting every conversation short.

On last friday, the guy meets me in the kitchen and he is very nervous. Asks to join my table. I wasn’t to worried as he is half my size. But I was very confused. He was mumbling something and I realised, he wants to talk to me about that girl. He was very uncomfortable but when he said her name, I said I don’t know her because there are so many there. He looked relieved. We chatted and he left soon.

I wasn’t sure what to think about that guy. He is very brave to do that. I couldn’t do it. He saw us talking but I said I don’t know her name and who is she. Just a random colleague. It looked to me as the easiest way out. I took it cause I became very anxious.

I feel like that is when my week started going down. I was so tired and I was just waiting for weekend to get some rest. When it came, I couldn’t sleep. My roomate invited me to go to the pub on saturday night with some guys and girls from his job. I kinda wanted to meet new people so I said yes. Later, I realised I didn’t really sleep and I am to tired. If I have few beers, it will end very bad. I texted him last minute that I can’t go. I apologised and he understood that I am very tired. Later, he told me about the crazy night they had and all new people they met. I was sad for missing it but then I thought it would probably end bad for me.

Things at work are not good. My bosses are not happy about quality of my work. I don’t understand how that has changed but I am sure trying harder does not help. Not this time…

Anyway, this looks like a setback I am not getting out easy. There are no good news that can just bring me back. Even if something good happens, it just relieves my suffering a little. But, I always get out somehow…