Social phobia triggered my erythrophobia


I am 29 years old and while I have always had issues with alcohol abuse to numb the nerves that social situations have always triggered, and even Xanax abuse for a point in my late teens and early 20s, I didn’t start developing an actual social phobia and strong erythrophobia until my mid 20s after someone pointed out the bright red hivey splotches on my chest and neck when I was 23. That had never happened that I knew of and now my main triggers have become talking to males I’m attracted to or even now it could be someone that is okay looking but not even attractive to me and i will still muster up those physical reaction from the fear of looking nervous. I’m married and that makes me even more anxious because those situations give me feelings of shame and extra embarrassment. I hate to look vulnerable and give a man some power over me because they make me nervous. I know it’s all irrational but it doesn’t change the physical reactions. It happened with a supervisor at my last job which made my job an absolute nightmare. I literally was so afraid for someone to notice that I found him attractive that I avoided any interaction as much as possible and obsessed on a level that I never had before about anything in my life. I called in a couple of times that I knew he was working and was in a constant mental scenario of panic that I was at work blushing in front of him and everyone called me out and teased me about it. I made myself so sick about it that it’s the reason I got prescribed the klonopin. My holidays were not so enjoyable because I was in constant fear of being back at work. My next nightmare came at a lunch meet on orientation for my new job and I met my new Manger who was male. I instantly began blushing and full on panicking. I couldn’t even hold my fork without shaking. I ran to the bathroom and popped a k and prayed it would kick in so fast. I got through the lunch but with a new fear of interaction with my new boss. It also happens on a smaller scale with a coworker who I don’t find exactly attractive but just has a confident personality and therefore intimidates me in fear that hell joke or call me out in front of a group and I’ll look noticeably nervous. I feel like every man I blush around is digging me a deeper whole into a point of no return. The sessions are deffffff helping with controlling the intrusive ants thoughts and helping to not let me blow my thoughts out of proportion when I’m not at work but I’ve got a hell of a lot of work to do. I take klonopin currently and while I try and only take it prn for anticipatory situations, I do get carried away with it at times and use it for minor things I never would have thought were scary before.