It was just yesterday, when I was trying to talk about the concept of "overwhelming" others in our group, trying to see if I am making sense. It was surprising, yet relieving to see that people do understand and experience it everyday, every hour but probably they just don't think it as much as I do. In the recent days, the whole saga of self-sabotage, self-criticism, self-compassion, perfectionism, acceptability, being loved, not being enough, meeting expectations, fear of failure, self-forgiveness, anticipation anxiety has been circling through my head over and over again and this was another morning. I just wished I let go myself and be as calm as possible for my medical appointment today. I had woke up early after a night of disturbed sleep, while my body wanting to sleep more, but my mind not allowing me to. I checked in the appointment desk just about 2-minutes early (10:38am), relieved that atleast I had avoided myself a chance of self-sabotage - (yelling at myself for not being able to make it on time yet again). While technically, this doesn't mean that I have been always late for my appointments, but it does indicate the self-love i was lacking: I could only recollect occasions that I have been late or on time (yeah, not being before time is something I saw as crime) and evaluate myself based on that. 15 minutes passed by, 20 minutes passed by, i am still not attended to. I tried to engage myself as much as possible with my phone, browsing though websites, trying to login to apps which I had hardly used recently, pretending not to display my anxiety and continuously repeating to myself - "you will be fine, just relax". Another 10 minutes passed and now I just couldnot stop myself and the inner voice in me yelling - did I miss the nurse's call ? Did I checkin correctly? and for the correct appointment ?. Did she check me in properly ? Did they forget about me altogether ? . Finally, somehow, while still not wanting to (embarrass others), I convinced myself that I need to do something, I managed to ask an attendant at helpdesk to see what was going on. He looked up almost immediately, as if he knew me earlier or as if he was already holding my online record and replied: Your appointment is actually at 11:40. I don't remember how I felt - a mixture of sigh, relief, disappointment, but atleast it now made sense. I almost instantly shutdown the critic voice in me who was waiting to encash this opportunity by saying to myself one of the statements - we are all human and somehow I would have overlooked it. I was still safe and not sorry, there was no harm caused and I didnot have any other appointments later to worry about. I figured out that I was already close to my actual appointment time, and didnot have to wait for more longer. I had already started to feel a little uncomfortable and also hungry for some reason. Or may be I was embarrassed by this feeling - that my mistake will now be public and people will know how irresponsible I am. In any case, I managed to divert myself back to my phone waiting for the nurse to call. The nurse called just on time. Wow at last, there was something happening. I was checked for weight, blood-pressure, temperature and other basic stuff and waited for the doctor to come and see me. Now, this wait seemed to be never ending for some reason. And as if my patience was really on test again, and my anger within was starting to erupt. Why was my patience to be tested again ? And why its me who has to be tested ? And, as if there was just no other time for this test - why today when I am already tired, hungry and already embarassed? I reminded myself, that I was judgmental yet again and I needed to just stop thinking and ease into the moment. But then I saw myself saying again - oh my god, how can I be so judgemental ? I am supposed to be a nice person, and I had no right to be disappointed about. Now, that further questioned by self-acceptance and self-worth, but somehow I decided to not show it on myself to ensure I have a healthy conversation. Actually the wait never ended. After about 10 minutes or so, the nurse came back saying apparently there was an emergency that the doctor had to attend. She looked remorseful for this and I could see it on her face again and again. She gave me an option to wait for few more minutes or reschedule the appointment. My body language hadn't recovered from previous self-sabotage yet, and now it had to deal with another disappointment. I was already half-dead and almost immediately wanted to re-schedule it which made it look even worse. The nurse seemed to have picked my reaction, and looked more sorry, and apparently for no fault of hers. But, that only made me feel devastated; because now I was convinced that I hurt her when I really didn't want to. I could have somehow justified being upset on the doctor, even though it was an emergency, but how could I hurt someone who had very little role to play in all this happening with me through-out the day ? I was rescheduled for another day, which I was happy with as I just wanted to flee from there to go to eat somewhere and deal with my feelings. The nurse offered me a set of vouchers, which I guess I indicated that I was least interested in , but accepted it in a hope that it will make things better. I wish I could extend my empathy for the damage (atleast what I perceived) I had done to her, but only managed to leave the place being remorseful about it. I am really confused, frustrated over another major social mishap yet again. Does anyone else have similar experiences. How else would someone respond to in such a situation ? Do you think my feelings are justified ?