This is a personal story / rant / question / post seeking help.
I have this sense that my social / general anxiety is deeply embodied within me, to the point that even if I start to think differently and genuinely feel better emotionally, the physical sensations and expressions of SA are still very much there. That physical side of SA is where I feel it most strongly. Particularly in my voice. While I can cope with it, it’s very frustrating and depressing for me and really hinders my progress, and sometimes I feel like it’s not something I could ever actually change.
For me, when I speak, the overall experience is like:
- my throat feels constricted
- I need to force words out
- my voice doesn’t have clarity (especially in noisy environments - people
basically can’t hear / understand me)
- it doesn’t feel like it’s ‘me’. The feeling I have inside is not being expressed by my voice -
nothing comes out the way I want it to.
This ‘overall experience’ described above is felt most strongly in high anxiety situations or physically difficult situations (like when I need to raise my voice), but it reflects the experience I generally have when I speak - whether with friends, strangers or just by myself.
On a good day, I’m aware of this feeling in every verbal exchange but enjoy the exchange and other things in life enough not to be too bothered by it. Other days, I have the sense of disappointment and frustration after every exchange, unhappy with how my speech came out and thinking about how I could sound different, and what I could do to change it.
This obsession is obviously very unhealthy but I really don’t know what I can do about it. I’ve felt this way for years.
Does anyone else experience something like this as part of their anxiety, and / or have any suggestions for overcoming it? I’m up to tape 4 in the series. Thanks for reading.