So anxious around the opposite sex? ugh why? please anyone help?


#3

My heart goes out to you guys. I’m not in the same situation myself, but I know what it’s like to be teased by a parent about something. I get really angry when I think about what actual bullies like that have done to their children and to other innocent people, and I wish I could undo all of the harm done. But it’s not my job, and in any case, that’s all in the past. The only consolation and hope I can offer is to urge you to radically embrace the present moment (reading a book by Eckert Tolle might help, e.g., The Power of Now) and know that new people you meet don’t know about the SA. All they see is what’s in front of them, and some people can even see a beautiful soul that’s right in front of them, no matter how the casing around it looks.

Here’s an analogy that might help: When I used to teach English as a foreign language, many of my students apologized for their skills, believing that I couldn’t understand what they were saying. I always said, “But you sound good to me. I can understand what you’re saying, and don’t forget, I’m fluent. I’m filling in the gaps. I’m using intuition to make your message sound fluent in my inner ear.”

Don’t forget; other people are filling in and projecting onto you everything they want to see. They can’t see the SA (well, okay, they can see signs of nervousness, but we’re working on all that). They can’t see our thoughts, so even if we slip up there and rag on ourselves, if we catch ourselves in time, no one will know we even had the ANT in the first place.


#4

I have same problem. I worked a lot on my SA and made a lot of progress, but opposite sex is still big deal.
If anyone has some advices, please help.

I am also attractive male over 30 and i never had a relationship. This gets worse as years go by, as I lose hope.

I went out last night hopping I could meet someone but today I have only big hangover :smiley:


#5

Yeah…I would view this topic as the most humiliating/degrading aspect of my SA. For the most part, I can struggle through a routing SA event such as speaking in a group, but and SA event as a result of interacting with women is completely defeating. I literally just want to go off and hide so I can vomit from the extreme stress.


#6

Well, I’m totally depressed over this whole day. But you know what? I will beet this one too.

As a teenager, I was afraid to leave the house. Almost wanted to leave school because of it. I was harassed in every possible way by my school mates, parents, relatives, everyone cause of my quiet nature. I never believed i will be able to study or work. I went to the deepest depressions possible. But I made it trough.

Sometimes later then other people, but usually in a better way. Today I have better job then most people I know, the one that takes big social skills. The one who did not have any friends as a kid, now has the best friends in the world. My bloody phone rings all the time,I am invited to parties, concerts, sport events… I got my self great hobbies, great sport results and everything people with authority in my life said I wont be able to do.

Looking back now, I can’t believe I am still same person. It took a lot of time. First I learned by trial and error. very painful and time consuming. You don’t even know when you are doing things right way, because there are so many paradoxes. Later i read everything possible on internet. I thank God every day for internet and my ability to understand English. Without it, who knows what would happen to me.

Looking back again, I was offten very humiliated trying to get friends and fit in, or get and keep the job. And I think accepting that helped me got trough. So I will accept the fact that i am useless in getting a date, because that too will change,

So, I will start dating girls. Maybe at the age of 35 or 40, but I will. And not just that, i will be the best in it. (If there is such a thing). People will tell stories about it. One day, soon.

Sorry if this looks like an ego talk, but I am so tired of me being depressed over this. And no, I am not drunk.


#7

Alyssa,

I’m a 23 year old female and I have the same exact problem. I have horrible anxiety around the opposite sex and being attractive makes it worse because I get a lot of attention from guys (which I hate but also love at the same time!). I have the same worries about them thinking I’m attractive and evaluating my every move and word I say that I really just shut down and don’t talk. This has resulted in me not having much of a love life or dating life, which is painful and I feel embarrassed by it. I have the same fears about rejection and I always think that guys won’t really like my personality because of my social anxiety so I really don’t try much to date which is probably not a good idea. I feel like putting myself out there would be the best thing but it’s so terrifying and the anxiety makes it so uncomfortable. I can relate to your frustration. I, on the other hand, do have a close relationship with my parents and just one sister (no brothers) and I still have anxiety around men so I don’t know if that’s exactly causing your problems. My family has a lot of anxiety problems so it’s probably genetic for me, anyways it doesn’t really matter where it comes from, because there’s no going back to prevent it from happening. So it’s best to try to deal with it and not look for reasons why you have it (even though I’ve done this and I’m pretty sure everyone does). I feel like 99% of my anxiety is just me psyching myself out so I really try to watch other people and how they interact with the opposite sex and I feel like just overthinking things is the enemy.

Anyways, hopefully this helped somewhat. I think it’s comforting to know that there’s someone out there who dealing with the same thing, hopefully your doing better.


#8

I can relate to that but my anxiety usually kicks in when said person starts to demonstrate interest in me. The other day I was talking to a guy at college about a class we have and then when he started giving hints he was interested in me I quickly gave an excuse and got away.
Because of that I’m 21 yrs old and never dated and the only guy I kissed thought I had a trauma or something because I was trembling so much… I even started to question myself if this was caused by social anxiety or if I’m gay or asexual. But my problem I guess is with intimacy in a general way (I have anxiety while hugging/kissing friends on the cheek too).


#9

I had some problem like i feel my breastsize is small.i used boop pop to enlargement.it did well.my life with husband is wonderful.try it and have a good life.


#10

I guess the only problem with dating at 40 is that your pool of potential partners is very small. All the good ones will be taken, and you will be restricted to dating a bunch of old women.Don’t worry, theres plenty of men who are in that boat…


#11

Yeah, its pretty common to have probems with opposite sex. And for people with SA, it,s usually a very big problem. I am pretty bad with opposite sex, even small talk is a struggle. Going beyond small talk is still out of my league, and I am nearly 40 now. I have never dated or had a girlfriend, and probably never will, as I really can,t even be bothered anymore. Unlike yourself, I am NOT attractive to opposite sex, and it has become clear to me I would have to lower my standards to rock bottom in order to partake in a sexual relationship.I am not willing to do that, so will probably remain single. I just try to remind myself of the advantages of being single whenever I feel bad about not having a wife or girlfriend. I think I am too introverted to be in a relationship anyways, and I need alone time in the evenings, which I would not have if I were with a SO. It can be very hard to overcome this “love shyness” as they call it, and most of the advice out there is aimed at men, as it is men who are expected to be confident and do the approaching etc. Being a female should make it easier, as your role is simply to hear out men attempting to court you, and give them feedback in the form of subtle clues as to whether you like them or not. Confidence is not required by women for dating. For men, particularly less attractive men, cold approaching on a mass scale is the only real option, as online dating is utterly useless, and women will never come on to less attractive looking men in any obvious way. But according to pickup theory, if the man is SUPER confident and fabulous personality, he can randomly ask out women and have some success irrespective of his looks. This cold approaching is extraordinarily difficult to accomplish for a shy guy, and the evidence I have seen is that women will not care if you had the confidence to talk to them anyways. If women are not at least occasionally coming on to you in day to day life, then you are pretty much wasting your time regardless of what you do…


#12

I struggle with the same problem and can totally relate. I’m 16 and have had SA for appooximately two years (which is really short compare to the responses i saw here). I have only had this for two years and it is already extremely oberwhelming, i can’t begin to imagine what other people who have SA anxiety for their whole life go through on a daily basis. I get veryyy nervous and anxious in any given public situation and i’m no stranger to panic attacks but try to hide it with seriousness hence appearing standoffish and rude. It’s almost impossible to laugh and have a good time with friends and relatives when i’m busy worrying that every inch of my appearance and every move is being judged. People who don’t have SA and probably never even heard about it don’t understand and classify it as being shy, a pushover, overreacting etc. Cleary they don’t understand. About a few months ago i started therapy and came to the knowledge of why i have SA ( with the help of the psychologist). It wasnt the right time at the moment and things were hectic so i kinda stopped for a while. The opposite sex, males, boys…i suck at it all. That is just another level of my SA. No boasting here but alot of boys find me attractive and try to instigate conversation, eye contact with me and i jus go into panic mode. Due to this i never had a bf and never kissed a boy. Not sure if anyone ever thought about this but in my opinion i think it will actually be beneficial for persons with social anxiety alike to meet and actually talk with each other, maybe it may be a little comforting to talk and be friends with people who suffer from the same problem and know that ur not alone. Personally i think talking to another person with social anxiety can help me to be myself around them.


#13

Hey I am the same exact way I’m 18 now and I think I’ve always been really sensitive as a kid and focussed alot on what people thought of me . There are days where i can ignore it and then there is days where I feel so insecure and even to men im not attracted to I feel a sensation toward every part of my body and it even controls the way I walk sometimes. I have to walk counting my foot steps sometimes. I stay quiet and it’s ruined basically all of my relationships even with my father for now. It ways down on me that i am a loner. I always thought I was the only person with these feelings. I want to overcome it . A part of me feels like I am this hopeless insecure being on this planet when another part of me incisions myself to be more than the way I treat myself. I am pregnant now my now ex impregnated me and now wants nothing to do with my baby and he got with another girl only two days after let alone he was cheating on me . A part of me feels like it was my fault because I couldn’t open up or be myself and I at times could be really negative. And always felt discomfort around all his friends sometimes i would even lock myself in a bathroom making myself even more embarrassed by thinking I know they think this is weird. None of them are in my life now . It was really pointless to even care about what I looked like or what I said because they aren’t even a part of my life now. But even being alone I still have this discomfort to men every once in a while a negative thought to someone especially another girl. And I don’t want to be that kind of person. I wish I understood myself better I wish I was a better human being I want to be but I have alot of negative feelings and emotions about myself about the ways I view people And i don’t give myself or some people a chance to fully be themselves. And I guess you could say the pain I feel is in my heart And i don’t know how to stay positive about myself or my life. The only thing that keeps me here is my baby but honestly I want to get better for the sake if my little girl or little boy I don’t want my kids to feel the way I do.


#14

I do alot of research on social anxiety and came across some very informative videos that somehow changed my perspective of social anxiety. The videos didnt help me to get over my anxiety completely (therapy is the better shot to overcome anxiety) but I was able to temporarily control my anxiety after i watched these videos. They feature a certified psychologist talking about anxiety. They may not be a quick fix but I hope they help you as much as they helped me. Here are the links:





#15

Feel fortunate. I have that plus other things that kills any chance for romance. I am 69 and maybe I should just give it up at my age. I have only been married 7 years in my life because of anxiety and fear around women. I am terrified of the opposite sex.I am a man that has been around a lot of beautiful women at work before retirement and I was like a zombie. I wanted to ask some of them out but this voice said, what if they say no or don’t even answer then I would feel like a fool. I would never ask of course. A beautiful woman just makes me act like Gomer Pyle , I have been that way all my life along with a violent streak not directed at the woman but at inanimate objects and that is very painful. Hitting things with my fist, kicking things and generally acting like a idiot. I start to fume simply because I cant work up the courage to ask for a date and it continues to this day. I will be 70 in Sept 2018 and have only gotten worse over the years. I just cant find the courage to ask. I am like a whimpering puppy. A beautiful woman asked me out back in 1972 and I went out with her 4 times and never said a word. My question is why cant I be me around women. It may be too late for me but if someone will try to explain maybe it will help someone else. I have gotten to the point where I hate women. I would never do anything violent toward them I would just mutter to myself and curse and go about my business. I try to stay away from them as much as possible. I hate to admit it but I am beat and I will probably die a lonely man if something positive doesn’t happen very soon. Please someone help. Lonely old man


#16

I have also felt this way. I dont make eye contact because I think they will see my soul. I’ve been told I’m asexual, gay, pansexual but without libido, lack of trust about opening up, autistic, horomone imbalance, trauma induced etc. I think that men and women have hurt me and I’m closed off to the option of getting hurt. It makes us feel in control and also hurts our self worth. We all deserve to be happy and find love. Allot of people have these issues but seek attention and affection but some do not. Which makes us feel abnormal. When the world has been over sexualized, the overwelmed ones hurt. You are not alone.


#17

Do you actually have social anxiety in public situations or do you close yourself up and avoid eye contact?


#18

hey i have the EXACT situation as yours, only that anxiety doesn’t run in the family. But my sister is shy, like me, too but i don’t think she is interested in dating in the near future :pp
and i though I was the only one facing this situation! Haha ;" because usually girls who are attractive are pretty confident
another thing is that i feel insecure and all and i can’t help but keep comparing myself with others- i really hate that :frowning: there’s still really a lot of time till i find a suitable spouse(?)
let nature take its course then! :slight_smile:


#19

I am 31 year male, never been in an romantic relationship. I was not successfull in the past . The future looks the same way. but I will not give up hope finding an girlfriend. I am with all you guys on the same page.


#20

Im a 24 yr old male and Im in a similar situation. I have tried to talk to girls that I dont know before but now I feel a bit defeated. Me I usually feel like Im a weirdo or creep that Im trying to talk to a woman that i dont know to try and go out with her. But how am i gonna be able to have a relationship if I dont even ask a girl out. Sometimes I would have a long conversation but at the end I wouldnt even ask for a phone number or anything . It terrifies me to ask a girl out or ask for her number or something I feel like it is very awkward to do so.

I ve had some experiences where I tried to get a phone number or asked a girl out but very few.


#22

Hello,

Maybe we can start a skype group or call talking specifically about this issue?


#24

I agree with you, sounds like a good suggestion