Hello everyone I'm new here and in search of people I can relate to. I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember, but it was never bad until I went to high school. I'm 17 and I do distance education now, but I'm very worried; I have been distanced from socialising on a day to day basis for a long time. I have dreams to become a vet, a dream I've lost sight of in the past because I never thought I'd really get there....but I can and I will. Problem is, I'm having trouble taking the plunge and re-entering the world. What I really want is friends who understand, maybe we can build each other up and out of our anxiety holes
So where shall I start....well, I never really believed anything was wrong with me until I was rudely awoken one afternoon by workers from the CAHMS team and told I was being taken into hospital. That was about 3 years ago, when I was much younger and much more blindly stubborn. I've always been a very observant person, I don't miss a beat. I planned to escape....oh, it was a good plan, too....but that's a story for another time. The important thing is, I listened to my guardian angel and stayed put. Many lessons were learnt in that hospital and I don't regret being there for a second.
Fast forward to the here and now, I've grown much. Still hyper observant, especially to subtle changes in people's posture, the way their hands move, the way they speak and look at me. I sometimes struggle to trust people a lot. Mainly though, I have issues with men....but strangely, no reason to validate my fears. I've never been abused or cornered or anything malicious like that. But when men get close to me or even look at me, I feel it....like sinking terror. It's the most instinctual fear I have, sometimes I catch myself on the verge of lashing out. I have vivid nightmares of having to defend people I love and care about from men, fighting them with my fists and a surge of power when I defeat them. Because, to my silly subconscious mind, they are evil and it's justice....but I know that's not true. The majority of my friends are boys, to make matters stranger, and I have very complex feelings toward them. I love my friends, I would do anything for them, but to be near them is very frightening. It hurts a lot to see someone I deeply care for through these hateful eyes I don't want to feel like this but I don't know how to get over it
Back on anxiety, I sometimes get panic attacks when I push myself. These panic attacks are triggered by very specific things though; I don't freak out over being in public anymore, but phoning or skype calling people is a very sensitive area. I love to play games online, I love strategic team based games. I make many acquaintances on there, but I know the dreaded question is coming from the moment they send me a friend request: "Do you have Skype?" I try to play it cool, I use skype to text my friends rather than use messenger. But I know what they mean, they want to call. When I phone or skype someone unfamiliar (or more specifically, not family) I feel like I can't breathe. That's how it starts. My throat feels tight and my mouth gets dry, my breathing gets shallower....and then I hyperventilate and start to sweat, my hands shake, I can't control myself anymore. It's very scary....the first time it happened, I thought I was having a heart attack and I left the phone on my bed, and stumbled out into the living room
Anyway, I apologise if this wasn't what an introduction on here is supposed to pass for....I've had a rough night, my mind tends to wander when I am sad I would really love to make some pals on here, I've gotten so tired of trying to explain myself to insensitive people who just won't get it....I really need some friends who understand from the get go, who I can feel relief talking to