At 26 years old I am for the most part trying to still figure out who I am. I do not know who I want to be or what I want to do. All that I know is that I want to be happy and feel productive. A lot of the time I struggle to interact with others. The right words do not form when I speak. Then, immediately after the conversation has finished I think of the right thing to say. I don’t stumble when I am by myself. My thoughts are fluent and eloquent. When I speak to those who are smarter than me or have more power, I forget how to form complete sentences. My mind does not let me make mistakes. Or should I say, my mind does not let me make mistakes without consequences. In my mind, I repeat the simplest mistakes over and over and over, sometimes for years. Recently, I have been looking for an outlet. I know life is too short to deal with thoughts such as this, but how do I stop them? How do I stop this natural (to me) thought process from happening? My answer for the last couple of years has to be drunk. Alcohol helps my anxiety subside and act almost like a normal person would. With alcohol I do not hesitate. With alcohol I socialize. I dance. I live. Then after the alcohol wears off, my reality come crashing back. I regret most of my actions from the night before such as the stupid thing I said or how I danced the night before. I know in my heart (for the most part) I truly did not do or say anything too embarrassing. Most people act the way I did on a normal day without the social lubricant. For me, I committed the biggest sin. My actions were regrettable and a perfectly normal, fun and innocent night is ruined. Yet, a part of me is proud I talked to that person or that I was brave enough to dance in front of a crowd. I often go out to bars by myself. I go out by myself to force social interaction. I do have more fun when I talk to people. I do want to dance. My problem is getting there. I often think I am bothering others, they don’t like me or they judge me. Why would anyone want to talk to me, anyway? I have partially succeeded acclimating myself to talking to others. I am much better than what I used to be. However, I still need my rum. One day, I want to be able to talk to who ever I want without shaking, my heart racing or beating myself up afterwards. I want to look people in the eye and show the confident and smart person that I am. If I could choose the one thing that could be fixed with all of this, is to loose the regret. I know life is too short to live with it. I have had more fun these last two or so years than I have ever had in my life. I want this happiness to continue. I want to stop feeling this regret and anxiety. I want to stop feeling like I cannot have fun or that I do not deserve it, because I do. I want to stop feeling so alone. I feel that no one really understands how proud of myself I am when I talk to a client and it goes well. Or how astronomical it is that I have been on the radio multiple times. I used to be too terrified to drive in my hometown; now I drive hundreds of miles for work with no question. I moved to a new city where I did not know anyone. I am doing things I could not have dreamed of doing growing up. Yet, I still struggle talking to my boss, I struggle talking to a guy I am interested in and I stumble talking to strangers. I know right now I am probably the happiest time of my life and I do not want my regrets or anxiety getting in the way of my full happiness.
I’ve come so far. I used to be depressed and suicidal. I’ve been better for a long time. This is not really my full story I just feel stuck with my anxiety right now. I’ve never put these thoughts on paper and needed to let it out. Anyone relate to what I deal with?