It it crazy how put together a life can seem on the outside, whilst being wildly incomprehensive on the inside.
To peers, family and people on the street i am regarded as open, outgoing and well spoken. How come i feel the opposite? How can i be so outgoing when i spend six out of seven days a week alone in my family’s apartment? How can i be so well spoken when the only thing i think about whilst eating lunch with my friends at school is how horrible i am at making conversation.
I’ll admit it. I am good at introducing myself. When i am at a shopping centre, i do not hesitate to ask the staff for help finding an item. I find it easy to speak to strangers on the street. This well-spokenness i have when meeting new people, i know, comes from moving around a lot. In my life i have gone to nine different schools. And i am to be completely honest, i really like going to new schools; it gives me a chance to exercise those stranger-meeting skills (one of my best skills, if i were to say so myself.)
But further than that i am hopeless. After eighteen months living in Oslo, as a sixteen year old girl, i cannot say that i have had a sleepover with another girl once. I have no bestfriend. I have gone to two different schools in this period of time, and i have not managed to make a single good girl-friend.
I have major anxiety when i’m with people 1on1, it’s always easier for me in groups. And i feel as that is a two-way street. If i’m ever with another person 1on1, they also feel uncomfortable.
After much thinking (i think about this constantly, every day since i was about 12) i have come up with a few reasons as to what my problem is (as i don’t know what my problem is), or what it may have derived from;
I have no humour
One of the key elements of any friendship is being able to laugh and make jokes. I can’t do this? I’m too serious, maybe. Not that i find frivolous things stupid, i just seem incapable of having a frivolous conversation.
It is all social anxiety
It might just be a thought i have in my head that i am horrible at talking to people, when in reality it’s just a thought i have. Yet, i don’t find this answer satisfying as i’ve looked at various sites and i don’t seem to fit into any of the social anxiety diagnostics.
I can’t keep a conversation because I’m plain boring. This could tie into the humour part.
I’ve talked about this with heaps of people, and i never felt as though anybody could relate. Please, i would love to hear what other people think about my dilemma.