Honestly I’m quite new to this forum stuff and to my SAD but I hope someone reads this and gives their opinion to my “solution” or even my story. I wrote my story down first because I been wanting express EVERYTHING that I believe has caused this SAD while retaining my anonymity and the COMPLETE truth of my feelings and situations I’ve been in.
Sorry for the long response, I rambled and vented quite a bit of stuff that was pent up, so I just wrote it all out without stopping.:roll Read what you want, but my direct topic is the last 2 bolded paragraphs
How my SAD started/Introduction…
Ever since my friend/teammate was shot and killed in October I had begun smoking ALOT of weed thinking I was subconsciously fine but it was a very poor coping mechanism. Was also dodging deans at my school and police outside because I was selling snacks and marijuana edibles to put money into my (and my mother’s) VERY poor pockets. (Got caught up with it previously in school but continued under the radar despite being ). Next, I was helping my friend find his sweater which had stolen in a brawl between 2 different parties (one party known, from my school, and the other unknown) in the store we were in. While outside, we see 2 of the unknown guys who were in the fight follow my other friends who walk off and we follow and then suddenly the 2 guys disappear. They (unknown party from brawl) reappear with 8-10 other people coming down to us and attempt to rob us of our phones. We refuse and 2 of them jump one of my other friends. I jump in to fight them to save my friend and I get hit with a blunt object but I’m okay. They run off and leave They stole my some of stuff while fighting, my friends coat and his money and my other friends sweater. I later hear from a bystander that they had seen the unknown men tuck away a gun after telling their acquaintances not to shoot (it sounds unbelievable but stuff like this happens in NYC all the time.) I smoked after that as well too. I started to have mini panic attacks for a while while I was high and I decided to stop smoking cold turkey in a month. Trying to change from habitually smoking to socially or barely at all. But since then I’ve been alot more depressed and anxious, not only fearing for my safety but also always feeling judged. I think it may have been because in my depressive state I stopped taking care of my hygiene as much as I would usually and it may have caused my clothes to smell because of how blazed I was 4/7 days out of the week(before, during and afterschool) and my overall laziness while high. Alot of problems devloped with my mom as well. I was coming home at nearly 11pm everyday. Subsequently leading to me being locked out one day on a school night and lots and screaming matches. One day specifically, my anxiety was so bad I honestly thought I had shit on myself because I constantly smelled shit somewhere always near me ( I dropped my the bottom of my bag in some dogshit while I was high and it wasnt washed immediately afterwards, found out because my mom took my bag and washed it while afterwards telling me it smelled lol…still didnt ease my stress) and I was incredibly embarrassed about it. So I was problrably talked about all day and I didnt know until 7th period when everyone said it smelled like shit. I didnt know it was my bag while I was tweaking out and having an anxiety attack already because my teacher was talking about drugs and it perked my ears up to wondering if she was talking about me being high. So that anxiety probably didnt help me look/ act normal. Ever since then I’ve upset and self conscious because I basically feel like a walking piece of glass and all my insecurities can be seen . Not feeling safe having to watch my back and also smelling bad specifically. I know its dumb but I always get anxious when someone scratches, sniffles or covers their nose. Also if someone stares at me for too long, walks behind me slow (what I feel like is too slow) and having their hands in their pockets for a long time, I get paranoid. I used to constantly ask my mom and sister if I smell bad but they would always just say no and eventually get upset and tell me to stop. Also used to be very conscious about smelling when I had weed on me too, always trying to cover it up to avoid detection So this might be a way that my brain/karma is kicking my ass for my stupidity. Oh and also my absent father who I haven’t heard from in 9 years is trying to come back into my life as well.:frown2:
(No, I’m not a gang member, no I don’t continue in illegal distribution of such products, yes I do live in the hood)
Started medication, adderrall which helps my ADHD and depressive laziness and antidepressants for the anxiety and depression as well. I have been scared to go to school, go outside, and really live my life. Anxious about everything; smelling bad, if I’m being judged about how I dress, if someone is watching me or plotting on me and about fake friends. In my extended loneliness I’ve had of time to review how they acted and treated me and how naive I was to trust them(These feelings have extended to family as well, I’ve had many epiphanies about the duplicitous actions of the assholes in my life). Now I stick to making artwork(which helps me while home), listening to music and binge watching tv shows. Been feeling pretty pathetic. My mom has been understanding mostly but her outbursts of frustration when I have my emotional fits of depression include her yelling “Your life is not as hard as you make it seem! You don’t see me taking a pill for whenever I dont feel good!”, which just makes me feel like an even bigger burden. Yesterday I ate an edible early and locked myself in the room while I “took a nap” AKA silently crying for an hour and then going to sleep. But I’ve been looking for a job in spite of it but the constant rejection keeps reinforcing my negative thought process.:crying:
The Topic/My Solution…
In my pathetic times of binge-watching I have likened a character from Power, Ghost aka James St. Patrick. I have been watching this show for a month now and he is a character that embodies EVERYTHING I want to grow to be like. He is successful, a businessman (drug-dealer and nightclub owner; no I dont want to be a drug dealer anymore despite my past), father, confident, powerful, meticulous, intelligent, respected, fashionable, attractive, cunning, artful and overall an alpha male. Someone who demands and earns respect from those around him.
I have been analyzing every part of his characteristics and I think that since I can’t handle being the real me, I say to myself, “how would Ghost act/respond in this ?”, then I tell myself to “Be Ghost” and I can feel my anxiety go away for a while as I let the “Ghost” that I have analyzed and created take control of my thoughts and mind. Its my coping mechanism that helps me but I would like to know if anyone else does this? does this seem like a bad idea even though its the only thing that works for right now? Am I “crazy” for this logic? or is as similar to the the stock phrase “imagine the audience naked?”
Sorry for the long response, I rambled and vented quite a bit of stuff that was pent up, so I just wrote it all out without stopping.:roll Read what you want, but my direct topic is bolded above this sentence.