Recently, I wanted to write a post about how good I am doing. I remember starting to chatt with random people at work and sometimes even attractive woman. That used to be a big peoblem for me and I realized I made no progress because I make a big deal out of it.
Eeg. If I have a chatt with a girl, I runn home and write a post on forum about it. When in reality, it should be something normal, every day stuff.
I don’t remember other positive things that happened and now I am sorry cause I didn’t write that post.
Week before was also a nightmare as I spent most of it fighting a setback. I couldn’t do the therapy properly and I decided to slow down and repeat last 2 sessions so I can move forward. I kinda read the handouts about turning the tables on ANTs but I felt very bad the whole time, like the ANTs are winning. I don’t see how can I make the balance sheet for my work.
I have a problem at work where there is just to many people around. I don’t have any control over the situation. I come in and have a chat with 10 of them but I meet more of them every second. Few times I have felt like I didn’t miss greeting anyone and I was comfortable walking around and going for my lunch. Other times, I just walk silently past some people and it is extremely uncomfortable meeting them again in the office. Some of them don’t want to say anything and just look the other way. I feel like they are punishing me for ignoring them yesterday.
I became very friendly with a girl that sits near me but that put me under more pressure every time I come in. Like, we had a long chatt yesterday and now I need to chat more!? And then I just walk by without a word and she hates me now. I have to walk past her desk 10 times today, terribly uncomfortable. And I can’t blame her, she was to nice all the time. I feel so guilty about those things… If it was a man it would be so much easier.
Last week my strongest setback was the fear that I will become homeless. I moved in with new housemates and I tried to be tidy and quiet in new house. But I got sick and I went 15 times a night to a toilet. I was sure they can’t sleep and they hate me. I was waiting for them to ask me to move out. Actually, no one said anything and I think they are happy with me. My fears were so realistic and people in the forum helped me a lot.
On friday I am going home on 2 weeks vacation. I am not happy as I feel I will do my therapy and probably feel better at home but I will think about coming here and have the same problems I will be having. I am a bit scared of this office. I want to hide in the corner untill everybody leaves.
Of course, my fight continues. I keep reading handouts every day and soon I should feel better. Hopefully…
I would really appreciate your opinion about my situation as I could use a bit of rationality. Thank you!