I have suffered this all my life and honestly thought as I grow older, it would deminish, but if anything with awareness, comes the uncomfortable notion that it just is not going away.
When a child, it is normal to want company or more to the point, accepted, but when you are an adult and STILL feel like that little person, it is out there for shame!
Just walking a few minutes away from my home, where I literally can see my house, I feel as though I am a someone who is in charge of other's life; the anxiety is so high, that I can hear every ounce of myself, from breathing to my footsteps, to my heart.
I am scared of people, basically and have aspergers, so that adds to the nightmare.
The only place I have ever felt safe, is when I had an attempt at driving. I cannot afford lessons. For the first time ever, I felt in control and did not care what others thought of me and that progressed to me getting out of the car and going to a shop on my own! But there is no chance for me currently to drive.
My husband works and so, I am on my own most of the time and do not have any family to support ( had no choice but erase them from my life).
Not a mother either, so cannot rely on a child to get me out and about.
To add: I had to move to France and if I thought it was hard in my own country, coming to France, shows just how bad it has got!
I am scheduled to meet up with a psychiatrist, but am waiting for their call, in the hope they will diagnose me and I may be entitled to a bit of help.
I would love to just put a coat on and go for a walk; but that to me is a dream!
I feel less embarrassed about it now, because I have spoken to a couple of people who suffer similar and they told me it is nothing to be ashamed and to give myself permission to say: not today or escape from the place of panic.
Ironically, I discovered I can go up on a plateform and give a demonstration. I become an actress and can get through that.
Hope I do not sound too broken, because in fact, I am actually a positive person, or at least, strive for positiviness.