Hi new here.I am a 30 year old female with no dating or sexual experiences and it all stems from fear of men.As far back as I can remember I've loved boys and men I've always been attracted to them crushes on them and the sort. I'm at the point right now that my head just does not rest because I want a relationship so badly but cannot seem to make any progress in making one happen.My family and friends have even made hints at me being gay and I even have contemplated that but ita almost like I'm forcing that to be true as the excuse of not having luck with men. I have no problem at all speaking or being around woman and feel more comfortable around them, yet I have never ever been attracted to one in everyday life nor ever had the feelings I get inside for a male. When I think about female friends I've been really close to I think if I have feelings for them and I don't. Men give me those feelings and I absolutely close up around them.If it's a man I don't find attractive or anything I'm fine but a guy I find good looking or that I've become friends with and develop feelings it stops there. I start to like these guys so much that I make myself sick literally wanting to somehow just tell them how I feel.
I can note I've been rejected by about 4 guys I've truly cared for and told them how I feel. So now I've resorted to being cold towards all men and scared to speak or engage with them because in my head I already think they don't like me or my personality.I mean I've sat before and thought maybe I do like woman cause I can talk to them so easily but my thoughts always divert back to men and what I can do to make myself more appealing to them.
I'm going to start therapy soon for this because it's hard for me to talk to my parents about it.All my friends are married or in a relationship so I can't speak to them.I don't really know what I'm asking other then how I can move past this or figure this out.What scares me the most is how sick I get after rejection and how I pull further and further away from society