So.. I believe my social anxiety came from having ADHD. I was diagnosed with Adhd at the age of 9. it was so hard for me to learn like other people or interact with people. And I always got bullied, which caused my anxiety. I never had any friends, I couldn't discuss anything with other students and I was constantly rejected. and since I couldn't learn like other people, my parents often yelled at me a lot for not even knowing simple things. Which didn't help any. I always felt like every bad thing that happened to me was my fault. I was the girl that people thought was a freak because I didn't know how to speak to people.. So i was an easy target for getting bullied or walked all over. I am ashamed, and I hate to admit it... but i am also a coward. At 11 years old is when I developed social anxiety but I didn't know there was a name for it at time. Not until I was 15. I just thought there was something wrong with me. I always felt so out of place, unhappy, emotional and lonely. it's like No one seem to understand me.
So like i said, by the time I was 15, I realized what I had was social anxiety. never did I receive any help because my parents refuse to acknowledge that I have a problem. They said that it was all in my head. It hurts when i felt like even my own parents dont understand me. I always felt angry, afraid and so very tired. I was always judged for looking restless or finding it hard to smile. People would get annoyed by it, because I could never smile. It's hard for me to speak to people, which makes them think I'm being rude. I can't go to public places a lone, and if I do I'm afraid of something bad happening to me. And I am also a people pleaser, always doing something to make sure someone else is happy despite if I'm not happy, especially if they are close to me. Otherwise I'll feel like I did something wrong or I'm too afraid to tell that person when I don't want to do something. Sadly my parents, and mostly my grandmother tells me what to do or treats me like a child. I'm so sick of it. I want to be treated like an adult. It feels like I'm wasting years that I could've spent making friends, going places or finding an activity to do. I feel like I'm getting nowhere. And I wonder if I'm going to go through this for the rest of my life.
I just finished school. and what i hate around this time is knowing that I won't have anything to do. it's hard for me to get a job, and I don't have a car yet. I get depressed around this time, Especially since I often spend the summer at my grandma's house. i love her but I find her to be selfish, annoying, and I'm always with her. She acts like I'm suppose to be with her. I don't understand why I can't just tell her that I don't want to be with her all the time without feeling bad or making her angry. since i was 13, i've been with her every vacation and holiday. Today I am almost 20 years old, and about two months ago I told my mother once again that I really had a problem, that I need help. she was angry with me, but she did agree to finally bring me to the doctor. I met a social worker that told me my next appointment would be seeing the doctor but before that I should get counseling. which hasn't happened since my mom is never motivated to do anything.
Another month had passed, I went back, but the doctor wasn't there so i had been giving anti depressants. they don't seem to be doing anything for me though... i don't know if it's because I need to wait longer, or what. And Already my moms wants me to give up on medication, because she doesn't support it.. i have another appointment next month. I'm not sure what to do, i just want to be happy.. I know my situation could've been worse, and people have gone through worse that this. It's just that.. I wish this had never happened to me.