I’m going through all of this, took two weeks on session 3, moving on to week 4 and oooh the setback!
Through a lot of this, I’ve been feeling this underlying fear. Just scared, in general. Am I making good decisions? Is this the right thing to do? Am I a good enough parent? Am I doing what I should be doing in life? Is there a should be? What if there isn’t?
This ANT and ANF noticing and stopping has been, at first, not so great, but after week 2, much better. But I have an underlying fear question that I don’t know how to answer. What is love?
I thought: You know what? My past relationships / marriages, I was crippled by social anxiety and not being myself. I was, what I eventually called, Vanilla. Not enough me to really be ‘really me’ and constantly thinking that I was being judged.
Now I’m doing all of this, I realize now that my relationship is the most ‘real’ thing that I’ve ever had. My fiance is this man who is so incredibly supportive and seems able to take just about any conversation I throw at him. He doesn’t think people should ‘take over and help’ others. He feels that people need to stand up on their own feet and likes to offer advice where it might make sense, and otherwise - just kind of inspire or leave alone so people can figure things out for themselves.
So with me - that’s a really hard thing for me. He doesn’t judge. He wants me to be happy. He wishes I wasn’t so torn up inside and just wants me to want to marry and spend our lives together and happy.
When I am able, I can lean in, face my fears, and get sucked into life. This clears my head. When my anxiety is at the steering wheel, I question: What is love? How do I know that this is love? How do I know without a doubt that I am making the right decision?
I’m used to having everything ‘should’ and ‘judged’ and basing my decisions based on those judgements. Now I am stripping those away. I am scared. I don’t know how life is to-be without them.